Not long ago i started learning how to play drum for church service. When they first started the band i do not really know what i want to play. There is piano(I can't play that as i don't have the basic skills), guitar, drum,and the singers. One of the people suggest that i can try to play the drum, so i just go along with the idea.
Initially, i felt okay when i play drum, i guess it is because when i just started, people should have no expectation, so i do not need to worry if i played wrongly. But as time goes, i began to feel more stressed because i did not improve my beat at all and the teacher sort of tell me that i cannot do that or i will forever be stuck at that level. I understand what he is trying to say, but what i think or want to think and what i feel is different. My teacher said that i have no confidence while playing drum as i hit the drums softly and one of the members of the church also said i play too soft, i think it is when the stress build up slowly. To me, i played softly because i don't want to cover other instrument sounds and play like only drum soloing and forcing people playing other instruments to follow and i don't want to cover the people singing as they are the most important right? I mean it wouldn't be nice if the church people cant sing because the drum is too loud and playing the wrong beat and destroy the whole song and such. I felt uneasy and uncomfortable while playing and many times i made mistakes. Once i played for a song which the beat is supposed to be fast. I cant handle the beat made lots of mistake for that, so when ever i have the time i will imagine myself practicing the beat even when i am working, but on the day i played i totally screwed up and after that one member asked me : "why play like that, you never practice right?"
I felt so discouraged and upset upon hearing that cause i spend the whole week practicing for that and that, i guess, was the reason i began to hate playing the drums.
So whenever it was my turn to play the drum (there is another drummer) i fear and dislike so i tried to get out of playing the drum set whenever i have the chance.(Like sometimes another drummer did not go to church, though it was his turn to play, so i had to play on his behalf and when he came i kinda demand him to play)I also skipped the practice which is after church service because my partner(another drummer) went to church so irregularly that i did not know when he was supposed to play, maybe this is just my excuse i give myself not to practice the drum.
Another time i did go to the practice, i played the beat wrong so the teacher showed me how to play the beat, he played once and so well too that i felt sort of embarrassed being lousy and i cant capture and absorb the beat that he tried to teach me and i cant see the difference in the beat so there is no point in him showing me and only once or twice at that. Because we have no other time to practice except for that short 1 hr.
It makes me feel even worse and upset that i dread even seeing the teacher and as that makes me relate teacher= stress. I knew that my stress level is very badly when the next practice i went, when i saw the teacher, my mood immediately plunge down to rock bottom and my tears started to flow, the more i want myself not to cry the more i felt like crying so at that time it is really hard to control my feelings. Luckily for me, by the time the teacher come over to teach the drum i manage to control and relax my mood in time.
Whenever i heard the word "drums" and that teacher i felt really really stressed, like placing tons of burden on my shoulder at one go.
It is ridiculous, i know, to be worried about such stuff and i kept telling myself that, but my heart wouldn't listen. I also know that i should enjoy playing drums and that playing the drum should not give me overpowering stress but i couldn't help it.
My friend told me that playing drums should be fun and i should just stop playing if it give me too much stress as there is no point in playing anymore if i don't truly enjoy. He have a good point there but i feel that i should not be giving up whenever i face a problem or i will never grow and that it is not responsible to just stop because i dislike it.
But recently last Sunday, i am supposed to play drum but as the time for me to play slowly approach, i felt a increase of stress,it was when one church member(who is the speaker that day) lightly remind me to get ready to go play i don't know why my eyes suddenly start tearing though i tried to hide but i think he noticed (Embarrassed). I realized that i have developed drum phobia over time. The second time i go for band practice when i saw the teacher approach i started to cry as well (I was thinking to myself: Hey, stop it , you better control your mood now,be positive now and cry later when i go home and now just concentrate on nothing but the drums, i think the teacher noticed the tears as well but well, that cant be helped.)
Ugh, with my that state of mind i don't really want to care anymore, so then the last time i played i told myself: Blah, i don't care anymore, be it covering the other instruments or music or the singing or making people deaf with the loudness of the drum i don't care anymore, so i just bang the drums hard though i made bad mistakes on the fast tempo song again but people commented that my drum improved.
Dang! Now i am afraid that i wouldn't improve or to people's expectations. Aah, the irony!
At the moment i am sitting on the fence on whether i should stop playing or not because i know that deep in my heart, i also do not want to give up on the drum so maybe i will if there is ever a time i go near to mental breakdown.
But i do not know what my reaction will be the next time i see the teacher, after all, my stress is built up and not easy to break so i have to rely on God then to help me.I will see as time goes... Have to keep a positive mindset...
I have to thank my parents for hearing my never ending complains of being stressful while playing drum (though they got no choice since i live with them, ha ha) and my good friends who give me good advice and cheering me up.
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